


The Romantic Implications Between an Ass and a Toilet

by historiCthrenody (Cookieluv246)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Humans In Troll Romances, Hurt/Comfort, Illustrated, Inspired by Roleplay/Roleplay Adaptation, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-21 02:09:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookieluv246/pseuds/historiCthrenody
Summary: You start to count off, "for one, you're kind of an asshole.""Yeah.""you're also really overwhelming sometimes to deal with!""I know.""and you...say one thing but then do other stuff, and all the mixed messages. i feel like you're constantly trying to push me away! and i don't know whether i want to punch you or kiss you and i--"You look down from him to your lap, and bite your lip."i just want to understand things. i want to understand you. i want to understand you, and i'd rather just be taking french."





	The Romantic Implications Between an Ass and a Toilet

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello, _hello._ I hope you're ready for a ride, cause this fic has been in planning for a very long time. The story behind this is p simple, I perused the BroJohn tag, found most of the fics I liked were either discontinued, dropped, etc etc, or they just weren't what I was looking for. I always felt like this rp had a lot of really interesting potential to be put inside a fic, and it was a matter of when. And well...it's when! 
> 
> So things you should know, any important notes or chapter specific warnings will be on the top like so. Any extra tidbits/me being silly/rp trivia will go on the bottom. I draw all the art myself unless otherwise stated, the rating in fact _will_ be bumped up, aaaaaand the tags will be updated as story goes on, but please keep an eye on them. Please.
> 
> This fic will eventually have an update schedule, but probably once I'm finished with mmmm writing the last couple of chapters of this monster (which may be done in a umm.... month or so's time.)
> 
> This fic is kinda like a big ty to the meteorcrew on the old Gigapause website. And while this is focusing on the Brojohn aspect of it, there a lot of things I couldn't have done without their help and setting and characterizations. Special shoutout to my beta's for reading through all of this. I love every single one of you, and thanks to all of the friends that made this a possibility in the first place.
> 
> I gave up my life for this ship, and I have a lot of different things steadily in store.
> 
>  
> 
> _Now let's begin._

Your name is John Egbert, and you currently find your caboose firmly planted on a rock in space drifting aimlessly as a temporary residence till, well, you're not actually sure! You just know this is a very temporary arrangement, and that big things are happening behind the scenes. Nothing of which you need to concern yourself with, your friends make sure to always tell you, while they all go off and have cool life threatening high packed action adventures without you. Not like that BOTHERS you or anything, why would you want to do stuff like that when you can watch movies about the same exact thing for free? Comfortably. Like when you were a little kid.

Yup, living the life, like you were when you were a tiny little squirt.

...Except that you aren't really a child anymore! You've recently turned eighteen years old, you guess... It's not like you've exactly been able to keep track, what with, jumping around paradox space like a time hopping fiend, and being on a meteor for what you deem has been about a year or so. It's all been pretty hazy, and time was never your specialty anyway. It's kind of becoming a sore subject with you, and you'd rather not have to keep repeating this.

Still, a lot of things have happened on your time on this literal rock. Most of it not really involving you, but you know that's probably a good thing. You've spent quite a lot of time with yourself recently-- you're sort of used to that now, the whole, "being alone with yourself" thing. At first, it bothered you how much time you spent alone in your head. Like when you were on the three year trip on the ship with your sister, it made you _really_ anxious how much time you spent alone.

There were so many consorts and sprites on that dumb boat, but you didn't find yourself hanging out with Jade or Dave sprite as much as you thought you would originally... Seeing as how they kind of ended up dating, and you weren't trying to be a lousy third wheel! Of course, your Nanna was fun to chill with sometimes, but a guy can only take so many baked goods. And pies to the face. And buckets. God, you are so tired of buckets. If you never saw another bucket in your whole entire life you would be the happiest man alive.

So you kept to yourself, mainly playing one player video games, watching movies, and doing whatever you could to bide your time somehow. Not that anyone was "ignoring" you, or anything like that. You hung out with Dave Sprite and Jade a lot, actually! It's just... it was weird knowing that you could go days without anyone pestering you or being around you, or not waking up to the smell of baked goods, or having anyone in particular to HAVE to avoid. It was weird back then on that old ringy dingy ship, and it's still pretty weird right now.

Your name is John Egbert, and despite all of the friends you have, for some reason you still feel kind of alone.

 

 

***

 

You're watching movies in the common room all by yourself, when you hear a big fuss come from around the halls, along with the loud shuffling of feet. You, confused, open pesterchum and message Jade asking what's up, while heading towards the commotion yourself.

Apparently new people are coming on to the meteor.

You figure you might as well welcome them, it's only polite! And it's good to get to know all the people you'll be sharing a close headquarters with. Hopefully no more creepy clowns. Please. Ha ha, you can already hear Karkat's grumbling all the way from wherever you are, and you think you make out some curses and agitated grunts. You laugh to yourself, he's still been taking the whole "leadership" thing pretty seriously, and you can't imagine he's enjoying the news of more people to have to babysit.

You're making your way outdoors, when you see the faint glow of bubble remnants painting the evening sky. Oh, so they passed through a bubble to get here? Huh. You nod silently to yourself as you take in your new comrades. Besides Karkat, who's yelling at a rather drained looking Kanaya, there are two cute trolls you don't quite recognize? Apparently their names are "Nepeta" and "Feferi" and they wave and greet you sweetly. You don't know why Karkat's so angry until you realize Vriska's also come along for the ride. Well, this should be interesting.

The last time you saw Vriska was back on the pirate ship, around the time you stuck your hand into the house thinger-ma-bob. Needless to say, you think you get why Karkat's about to bust a vein over there. Poor guy. You greet her just as well, there's no real hard feelings between you two. It's still a little awkward, but you two have plenty of time to catch up now that she seems alive at least. However, the last person you wouldn't have noticed, had it not been for Dave sprite's loud squawking. You turn your gaze towards a corner and...

Is that...

Dave's Bro?

Like, Dave's _actual_ Bro...?

You feel your brows lift, at this genuinely shocking new development. The deal with everyone on this meteor is that, people coming from different timelines isn't really a new concept. Actually, YOU yourself aren't even a part of whatever timeline this is. You zapped here one day thinking you had finally made it back to your "present" one, only to find an empty ship apparently still heading through space. You caught wind of, (what you then figured) was this timeline's Jade, who pestered you and told you she was on the meteor with Dave sprite and the rest of your friends. And before you had any real time to answer her, you were zapped to your current location. And well, the rest is history!

But during the course of all of the weird things going on, you never thought you would see any of your parents make it through this game. In your timeline, you think even in this Dave and Dave sprite's timeline, their brother never made it past Noir. You figured something like all of your guardians dying was just a universal constant. But you doubt he would be here if he were actually dead. So you just put your best efforts in to trying not to gape at him too much.

That is, until you feel something soft land on your shoulder. Suddenly you're freaking out because you have some big googly eyed thing poking you in the face with its nose and—Jesus WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. _IS THAT_... Ew, it's one of those butt puppet things. Holy shit, these are ugly up close.

UGH.

You hear muffled laughter around you, and you just squint at nothing in particular. You grunt a "yeah, yeah. very funny." at the direction of your asshole friends and the tool responsible for those God awful things. You still offer your hand to him, trying to lighten up the mood. And when he takes your grip, you grin as you see a twinge of discomfort trace his face.

Ah, the old hand buzzer, a classic.

He doesn't pull back right away, which sorta weird's you out a little. But then you feel a loud clap on your back, you're jolted back to reality. You hear him snort some weird sort of greeting to you before going back to talk to Dave sprite, and you're left just kind of staring into literal space.

What a weird guy.

Throughout the rest of the day you're a little confused about the whole situation. You hear muffled snickers follow behind you, but don't think much of it. That is until, sweet, lovely, beautiful Jade tells you, you have a "kick me" sign stuck to your back. Huh. Apparently that's all it takes for you to start plotting the rest of the day away, thinking of all of the possible ways you'll be able to one up that guy the next time you see his lousy no good face.

Your name is John Egbert, and oh, it's fucking _on_ buddy.

**Author's Note:**

> [ You can follow me on tumblr, and await updates and tidbits. ♥ ](https://bunnibert.tumblr.com/)


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